‘IS MY PERSONALITY MAKING ME FAT?’ WELL IF BY ‘PERSONALITY’ YOU MEAN DO I NOT CARE ABOUT THE SOCIETAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY IMPOSED UPON ME BY SKINNY MORNING TALK SHOW BITCHES, THEN YES I WOULD SAY SO.
— at the tv, because wtf. shut up and let me enjoy my life cause i’m pretty sure my weight ain’t none of your business
FUCK THESE PIGS, MAN. THIS GAME SHOULD BE CALLED ‘ANGRY SARA.’
— while losing at Angry Birds
NEITHER OF THEM ARE THE STAR. THAT’S THE POINT. IT’S A COMEBACK SHOW.
— my parents were watching Dancing With The Stars and didn’t know which one was the star. i think they’re missing the point.
WELL THEY HAD PROBLEMS WITH JEN WEARING KORN T-SHIRTS. AND THAT’S K-O-BACKWARDS R- N, NOT C-O-R-N ‘I’M-A-MIGHTY-CORN-WARRIOR’
— discussing the dress code at church. double points for anyone who gets the reference
Me: "MOM PLEASE TELL MATT TO STOP PLANKING MY BED."
Mom: "Chill out, Sara."
Me: "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANKING IS."
Mom: "Yes I do, I know more than you think."
Me: "THAT MEANS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PLANKING IS. NICE TRY MOM."
Mom: "He's lying on your bed, get over it."
Me: "THAT'S NOT WHAT PLANKING IS."
THERE IS SCOTCH THAT CAN LEGALLY DRINK ITSELF.
— my dad was talking about 21-year-old scotch to my brother
BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS!? LUCKY!
— my dad stole a do not disturb sign from a hotel and it claims this is what he’s up to
YOU’RE TAKING CHRONONAUTS? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY BOYFRIEND!?
— to my brother. i’m sure i’ll think of something.
THERE IS NO NORTHERN STAR IN OUTER SPACE.
— someone in a Star Trek movie was quoting Shakespeare. as if it makes any sense in that universe.
OF COURSE I’M NOT BURNING ANYTHING! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE BURNED TWO SEPARATE THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS….WHAT? IT’S MY M.O.
— to my dad, re: the mac & cheese in the oven i’m burning cooking. i totally did not burn my mom’s challah or my dad’s quesadilla.
