May 2012
1 post
3 tags
“WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. WHY IS MY LIFE ENTIRELY MADE UP OF TERRIBLE RADIO ADS. AND...”
– if i have turned off my car radio, 85% of the time it’s because of crap advertisements. and i am so sick of kosher pizza.
February 2012
1 post
3 tags
“WHAT KIND OF EXCITING YOGURT DID YOU BUY? DOES IT EXPLODE? IS IT...”
– to my mom. i thought she’d said “it was on sale so i had to buy a lot of exciting yogurt.”
January 2012
1 post
6 tags
“‘IS MY PERSONALITY MAKING ME FAT?’ WELL IF BY...”
– at the tv, because wtf. shut up and let me enjoy my life cause i’m pretty sure my weight ain’t none of your business
December 2011
1 post
1 tag
“FUCK THESE PIGS, MAN. THIS GAME SHOULD BE CALLED ‘ANGRY SARA.’”
– while losing at Angry Birds
November 2011
1 post
3 tags
“NEITHER OF THEM ARE THE STAR. THAT’S THE POINT. IT’S A COMEBACK...”
– my parents were watching Dancing With The Stars and didn’t know which one was the star. i think they’re missing the point.
October 2011
8 posts
5 tags
“WELL THEY HAD PROBLEMS WITH JEN WEARING KORN T-SHIRTS. AND THAT’S...”
– discussing the dress code at church. double points for anyone who gets the reference
3 tags
Me: "MOM PLEASE TELL MATT TO STOP PLANKING MY BED."
Mom: "Chill out, Sara."
Me: "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANKING IS."
Mom: "Yes I do, I know more than you think."
Me: "THAT MEANS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PLANKING IS. NICE TRY MOM."
Mom: "He's lying on your bed, get over it."
Me: "THAT'S NOT WHAT PLANKING IS."
4 tags
“THERE IS SCOTCH THAT CAN LEGALLY DRINK ITSELF.”
– my dad was talking about 21-year-old scotch to my brother
1 tag
“BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS!? LUCKY!”
– my dad stole a do not disturb sign from a hotel and it claims this is what he’s up to
3 tags
“YOU’RE TAKING CHRONONAUTS? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY BOYFRIEND!?”
– to my brother. i’m sure i’ll think of something.
2 tags
“THERE IS NO NORTHERN STAR IN OUTER SPACE.”
– someone in a Star Trek movie was quoting Shakespeare. as if it makes any sense in that universe.
2 tags
“OF COURSE I’M NOT BURNING ANYTHING! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? IT’S NOT LIKE...”
– to my dad, re: the mac & cheese in the oven i’m burning cooking. i totally did not burn my mom’s challah or my dad’s quesadilla.
3 tags
Real Steel, aka Rockem' Sockem' Robots: The Movie
Dad: "This movie is gonna be huge. It's gonna do so well."
Me: "YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? YOU'RE KIDDING. YOU'RE SUCH A KIDDER."
Dad: "This movie is gonna be like on the scale of E.T."
Me: "THERE ARE VERY FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE I REALLY REALLY WANTED YOU TO BE WRONG, DAD. THIS IS ONE OF THEM."
September 2011
4 posts
4 tags
“I LOVE TROLLING PEOPLE. THROUGH THE POST OFFICE.”
– to my brother & dad because of this
2 tags
“I HAVE GAS! NO, WAIT. I DON’T HAVE GAS. THAT’S WHY I’M HERE.”
– to myself. at a gas station.
“WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THIS CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE SEX?”
– to my parents.
1 tag
“AFTER SHE SAID ‘YOU’LL BE GONE BY THE TIME I GET BACK’ I...”
– to a co-worker re: my boss
August 2011
1 post
3 tags
Me: "WAS THAT A CALL FROM THE GOVERNMENT LETTING US KNOW THERE'S A HURRICANE?"
Mom: "Yeah he said we should have evacuated. Pack your bags."
Me: "IS THAT WHAT THE GOVERNMENT TOLD YOU?"
Mom: "I don't know. I didn't answer the phone."
July 2011
1 post
“DON’T TOUCH THE CREEPY-ASS DOLL. WHAT ARE YOU- WHY WOULD- NO I TOLD YOU DO...”
– to the tv while my dad was watching NCIS
June 2011
7 posts
“OSCAR WILDE IS GAY. THAT’S THE JOKE.”
– my sister was talking about Rock Hudson and Oscar Wilde going to the prom together in Clone High.
“PRIME MINISTER IS AN ELECTED POSITION. DUKE IS INHERITED. DOUCHE YOU’RE...”
– to my dad, who said something about Prime Ministers and Dukes while he and my siblings were watching Don Juan or something, I don’t know, they never listen to me anyway.
2 tags
“THE TRAFFIC CONE IS IMMUNE TO MY POWERS!”
– i was playing inFamous 2 and rather than shooting lightning at a car, i shot it at construction equipment.
4 tags
“THE FIRST PLAGUE WAS DOUCHEBAGS.”
– my siblings were watching The Mummy and couldn’t remember what the first of the Ten Plagues was
4 tags
Dad: "GTL" is from Jersey Shore. It means--
Me: GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY.
Dad: I knew that.
Me: SURE YOU DID.
Mom: How did you know that?
Me: I'M UNDER THE AGE OF 35.
Dad: So how did I know that?
Me: YOU WATCHED JERSEY SHORE WHEN YOU WERE UNEMPLOYED.
Mom: No he didn't.
Me: YES. HE DID.
4 tags
Dad: Shavuot, the celebration of when God gave us the Torah.
Me: WHAT, DID HE LIKE FAX IT TO THEM?
“THINGS I NEED TO APPLY: DEODORANT. TO GRAD SCHOOL.”
– these are separate items on a list, not a conjoined, singular item.
May 2011
14 posts
1 tag
“I HAVEN’T SEEN A TOILET IN THREE DAYS.”
– i went camping this weekend. in the woods.
1 tag
“EW. NO. NOBODY EATS JELLY BEANS. EVER.”
– to my mom.
2 tags
“NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT, NOW THERE IS PEPPER ALL OVER MY BED.”
– to my brother while we were packing utensils for camping
3 tags
“THERE ARE LIKE TWO OTHER BATHROOMS IN THIS HOUSE. AND AT LEAST THREE PLANTS.”
– my brother would not stop knocking on the door!
1 tag
“HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW, PETER. NUMBER ONE: CHILL THE FUCK...”
– to my bird
4 tags
“LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOUR HAIR WAS NOT FREE. YOUR HAIR WAS WRAPPED IN COKE CANS....”
– to my radio, re: the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Hair
2 tags
“LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHO YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW IS SO EVEN IF I SAW HIM I...”
– to a drunk old guy on a dinner dance cruise who passed me on the stairs. he wanted to know if there was a guy drinking a margarita up there and I was like “yeah, several.” and as he goes up the stairs he keeps talking as if I’m someone he knows and as if i should know who...
4 tags
“YOU’RE JEALOUS. I’M FAT.”
– to a co-worker who is on a diet and was telling me how jealous she was that i was eating a piece of cake
2 tags
busted copy machine
Me: STUPID PRINTER!
Co-Worker: Did you break my machine?
Me: NO, IT'S NOT BROKEN. IT IS LAZY AND DISRESPECTFUL.
Co-Worker: Oh, so you'll get along great with it.
Me: HEY! I'M NOT LAZY AND DISRE-- ...WAIT...
4 tags
“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR?”
– to my dad, who told me that he and my brother “went bombing around in your car this morning. be careful sliding the seats forward.”
3 tags
“HOW DOES ONE LOSE A KNIFE? AND WHERE WILL IT TURN UP? IF THE ANSWER IS ‘IN...”
– to my brother
1 tag
“OH, I SEE YOU. I JUST DON’T CARE.”
– some bitch was trying to pull into a parking lot as i was trying to pull out. courtesy dictates you let people leave so you can take their place. she laid on her horn instead.
1 tag
Me: "I DON'T HEAR WATER RUNNING."
Matt: "Waterwaterwaterwaterwater."
Me: "...THAT'S NOT WHAT WATER SOUNDS LIKE."
1 tag
“HEY. HEY. HANDS OFF THE GLASS. I’M NOT A FISH IN A FISHTANK.”
– to some kids at work in the hall outside my office
April 2011
4 posts
2 tags
“YOU NEED TO LIGHTEN UP. YOU GIVE ME A HEADACHE AND I’M NOT PUTTIN’...”
– to my mom, who is complaining a lot about my bar of jasmine shampoo. i told her it’s because i’m trying to get her to stop using my bathroom all the time since her bedroom has its own, and she got all pissy at me.
3 tags
“HER DRESS IS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN MY COLLEGE TUITION.”
– it cost something like $48,000.
2 tags
“IS CHICKEN LIVER A MEAL?”
– dad says no.
1 tag
“THERE ARE FOUR. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THERE ARE FOUR QUESTIONS!?”
– to a friend of the family. who is more Jewish than I am. and thought there were 5 questions at Passover.
March 2011
9 posts
“I DON’T CARE HOW CINEMATIC PEOPLE SAY IT IS. IT IS TEN MINUTES LONG, IT IS...”
– to my brother, re: the Space Ballet sequence of 2001: A Space Odyssey
4 tags
“LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME LISTENING TO CREED.”
– to myself, at work. by “life” i mean “free pandora radio”
“STOP READING ME THE STATE CONSTITUTION OF MASSACHUSETTS. IT’S BORING.”
– to my sister
“HOW MANY LEGS YOU GOT? I DON’T KNOW, BUT THEY’RE ALL BROKEN.”
– to my dad & brother, who are watching the Karate Kid remake
1 tag
“SHE’S LIKE, FUCKING VOLDEMORT. SHE’S THE DARK LORD HIMSELF. EXCEPT...”
– to my brother, re: Flemeth in Dragon Age 2
6 tags
Me: "ARE YOU GUYS ANALYZING HIS LASER TAG SCORES?"
Mom: "Yeah, so? What are you doing?"
Me: "I'M....MAKING HIPSTER AVATAR MEMES. WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING!?"