“WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. WHY IS MY LIFE ENTIRELY MADE UP OF TERRIBLE RADIO ADS. AND PIZZA.” — if i have turned off my car radio, 85% of the time it’s because of crap advertisements. and i am so sick of kosher pizza.
“WHAT KIND OF EXCITING YOGURT DID YOU BUY? DOES IT EXPLODE? IS IT FIRECRACKERS-AT-THE-BOTTOM?” — to my mom. i thought she’d said “it was on sale so i had to buy a lot of exciting yogurt.”
“‘IS MY PERSONALITY MAKING ME FAT?’ WELL IF BY ‘PERSONALITY’ YOU MEAN DO I NOT CARE ABOUT THE SOCIETAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY IMPOSED UPON ME BY SKINNY MORNING TALK SHOW BITCHES, THEN YES I WOULD SAY SO.” — at the tv, because wtf. shut up and let me enjoy my life cause i’m pretty sure my weight ain’t none of your business
“FUCK THESE PIGS, MAN. THIS GAME SHOULD BE CALLED ‘ANGRY SARA.’” — while losing at Angry Birds
“NEITHER OF THEM ARE THE STAR. THAT’S THE POINT. IT’S A COMEBACK SHOW.” — my parents were watching Dancing With The Stars and didn’t know which one was the star. i think they’re missing the point.
“WELL THEY HAD PROBLEMS WITH JEN WEARING KORN T-SHIRTS. AND THAT’S K-O-BACKWARDS R- N, NOT C-O-R-N ‘I’M-A-MIGHTY-CORN-WARRIOR’” — discussing the dress code at church. double points for anyone who gets the reference
“THERE IS SCOTCH THAT CAN LEGALLY DRINK ITSELF.” — my dad was talking about 21-year-old scotch to my brother
“BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS!? LUCKY!” — my dad stole a do not disturb sign from a hotel and it claims this is what he’s up to
“YOU’RE TAKING CHRONONAUTS? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY BOYFRIEND!?” — to my brother. i’m sure i’ll think of something.