Me: "MOM PLEASE TELL MATT TO STOP PLANKING MY BED."
Mom: "Chill out, Sara."
Me: "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANKING IS."
Mom: "Yes I do, I know more than you think."
Me: "THAT MEANS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PLANKING IS. NICE TRY MOM."
Mom: "He's lying on your bed, get over it."
Me: "THAT'S NOT WHAT PLANKING IS."
THERE IS SCOTCH THAT CAN LEGALLY DRINK ITSELF.
— my dad was talking about 21-year-old scotch to my brother
YOU’RE TAKING CHRONONAUTS? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY BOYFRIEND!?
— to my brother. i’m sure i’ll think of something.
I LOVE TROLLING PEOPLE. THROUGH THE POST OFFICE.
— to my brother & dad because of this
THE FIRST PLAGUE WAS DOUCHEBAGS.
— my siblings were watching The Mummy and couldn’t remember what the first of the Ten Plagues was
NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT, NOW THERE IS PEPPER ALL OVER MY BED.
— to my brother while we were packing utensils for camping
THERE ARE LIKE TWO OTHER BATHROOMS IN THIS HOUSE. AND AT LEAST THREE PLANTS.
— my brother would not stop knocking on the door!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR?
— to my dad, who told me that he and my brother “went bombing around in your car this morning. be careful sliding the seats forward.”
HOW DOES ONE LOSE A KNIFE? AND WHERE WILL IT TURN UP? IF THE ANSWER IS ‘IN MY BACK,’ I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE FOR THAT.
— to my brother
Me: "I DON'T HEAR WATER RUNNING."
Matt: "Waterwaterwaterwaterwater."
Me: "...THAT'S NOT WHAT WATER SOUNDS LIKE."
