NEITHER OF THEM ARE THE STAR. THAT’S THE POINT. IT’S A COMEBACK SHOW.
— my parents were watching Dancing With The Stars and didn’t know which one was the star. i think they’re missing the point.
WELL THEY HAD PROBLEMS WITH JEN WEARING KORN T-SHIRTS. AND THAT’S K-O-BACKWARDS R- N, NOT C-O-R-N ‘I’M-A-MIGHTY-CORN-WARRIOR’
— discussing the dress code at church. double points for anyone who gets the reference
THERE IS SCOTCH THAT CAN LEGALLY DRINK ITSELF.
— my dad was talking about 21-year-old scotch to my brother
BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS!? LUCKY!
— my dad stole a do not disturb sign from a hotel and it claims this is what he’s up to
OF COURSE I’M NOT BURNING ANYTHING! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE BURNED TWO SEPARATE THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS….WHAT? IT’S MY M.O.
— to my dad, re: the mac & cheese in the oven i’m burning cooking. i totally did not burn my mom’s challah or my dad’s quesadilla.
Real Steel, aka Rockem' Sockem' Robots: The Movie
Dad: "This movie is gonna be huge. It's gonna do so well."
Me: "YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? YOU'RE KIDDING. YOU'RE SUCH A KIDDER."
Dad: "This movie is gonna be like on the scale of E.T."
Me: "THERE ARE VERY FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE I REALLY REALLY WANTED YOU TO BE WRONG, DAD. THIS IS ONE OF THEM."
I LOVE TROLLING PEOPLE. THROUGH THE POST OFFICE.
— to my brother & dad because of this
Dad: "GTL" is from Jersey Shore. It means--
Me: GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY.
Dad: I knew that.
Me: SURE YOU DID.
Mom: How did you know that?
Me: I'M UNDER THE AGE OF 35.
Dad: So how did I know that?
Me: YOU WATCHED JERSEY SHORE WHEN YOU WERE UNEMPLOYED.
Mom: No he didn't.
Me: YES. HE DID.
Dad: Shavuot, the celebration of when God gave us the Torah.
Me: WHAT, DID HE LIKE FAX IT TO THEM?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR?
— to my dad, who told me that he and my brother “went bombing around in your car this morning. be careful sliding the seats forward.”
