WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. WHY IS MY LIFE ENTIRELY MADE UP OF TERRIBLE RADIO ADS. AND PIZZA.
— if i have turned off my car radio, 85% of the time it’s because of crap advertisements. and i am so sick of kosher pizza.
WHAT KIND OF EXCITING YOGURT DID YOU BUY? DOES IT EXPLODE? IS IT FIRECRACKERS-AT-THE-BOTTOM?
— to my mom. i thought she’d said “it was on sale so i had to buy a lot of exciting yogurt.”
‘IS MY PERSONALITY MAKING ME FAT?’ WELL IF BY ‘PERSONALITY’ YOU MEAN DO I NOT CARE ABOUT THE SOCIETAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY IMPOSED UPON ME BY SKINNY MORNING TALK SHOW BITCHES, THEN YES I WOULD SAY SO.
— at the tv, because wtf. shut up and let me enjoy my life cause i’m pretty sure my weight ain’t none of your business
OF COURSE I’M NOT BURNING ANYTHING! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE BURNED TWO SEPARATE THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS….WHAT? IT’S MY M.O.
— to my dad, re: the mac & cheese in the oven i’m burning cooking. i totally did not burn my mom’s challah or my dad’s quesadilla.
YOU’RE JEALOUS. I’M FAT.
— to a co-worker who is on a diet and was telling me how jealous she was that i was eating a piece of cake
DID I JUST HEAR SOMEONE SAY ‘FREE TACOS’? I’M PRETTY SURE I HEARD THE WORDS ‘FREE TACOS.’
— to my mom, who had the news on. i shot right out of bed after that.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WASN’T SAUSAGE?….THEN WHAT DID I EAT!?
— to my mom. there was this leftover vegetable lasagna that we got from a neighbor and i ate last week. and on top of the lasagna was like these crumbled up bits of sausage. OR SO I THOUGHT. my mother claims they were vegetables; i know they were definitely NOT vegetables. but now we don’t know what i ate.
BUY GRAPE AND BLUEBERRY. PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED.
— to my parents, who were making a big deal about whether or not my mom would have blueberry jam left if she’d bought grape for my dad.
WHY DOES THIS CAKE TASTE LIKE PENICILLIN?
— to my sister, making fun of the fact that she ate moldy cake
