WHAT KIND OF EXCITING YOGURT DID YOU BUY? DOES IT EXPLODE? IS IT FIRECRACKERS-AT-THE-BOTTOM?
— to my mom. i thought she’d said “it was on sale so i had to buy a lot of exciting yogurt.”
NEITHER OF THEM ARE THE STAR. THAT’S THE POINT. IT’S A COMEBACK SHOW.
— my parents were watching Dancing With The Stars and didn’t know which one was the star. i think they’re missing the point.
Me: "MOM PLEASE TELL MATT TO STOP PLANKING MY BED."
Mom: "Chill out, Sara."
Me: "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANKING IS."
Mom: "Yes I do, I know more than you think."
Me: "THAT MEANS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PLANKING IS. NICE TRY MOM."
Mom: "He's lying on your bed, get over it."
Me: "THAT'S NOT WHAT PLANKING IS."
Me: "WAS THAT A CALL FROM THE GOVERNMENT LETTING US KNOW THERE'S A HURRICANE?"
Mom: "Yeah he said we should have evacuated. Pack your bags."
Me: "IS THAT WHAT THE GOVERNMENT TOLD YOU?"
Mom: "I don't know. I didn't answer the phone."
Dad: "GTL" is from Jersey Shore. It means--
Me: GYM, TAN, LAUNDRY.
Dad: I knew that.
Me: SURE YOU DID.
Mom: How did you know that?
Me: I'M UNDER THE AGE OF 35.
Dad: So how did I know that?
Me: YOU WATCHED JERSEY SHORE WHEN YOU WERE UNEMPLOYED.
Mom: No he didn't.
Me: YES. HE DID.
YOU NEED TO LIGHTEN UP. YOU GIVE ME A HEADACHE AND I’M NOT PUTTIN’ YOU IN A SOAP DISH.
— to my mom, who is complaining a lot about my bar of jasmine shampoo. i told her it’s because i’m trying to get her to stop using my bathroom all the time since her bedroom has its own, and she got all pissy at me.
Me: "ARE YOU GUYS ANALYZING HIS LASER TAG SCORES?"
Mom: "Yeah, so? What are you doing?"
Me: "I'M....MAKING HIPSTER AVATAR MEMES. WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING!?"
SO, WHAT, ARE THEY LIKE THE O-TOWN OF THE 60s?
— to my parents, re: the Monkees
NO ONE PERFORMANCE GROUP NEEDS THAT MANY CLARINETS. ONE CLARINET CAN BE SOULFUL, BUT THAT MANY CLARINETS IS ANNOYING. AND THE ONLY THING MORE ANNOYING THAN THAT MANY CLARINETS IS ONE OBOE. OBOES ARE THE WHINIEST INSTRUMENTS. AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN ONE OBOE IS A BAD BRASS PLAYER. I DON’T CARE HOW MANY STRINGS YOU HAVE, HOW LOUD YOUR PERCUSSION SECTION IS, HOW MANY FLUTES YOU HAVE SHRIEKING AWAY. IF YOU HAVE ONE BRASS PLAYER PLAYING OUT OF TUNE, EVERYONE CAN HEAR IT.
— to my mom, who was singing 76 Trombones, which I hate, and she got the lyrics wrong. she kept saying “110 clarinets close behind” instead of cornets. and i don’t actually hate oboes, or clarinets, or flutes or brass players. i actually just hate The Music Man. and high school aged musicians who don’t practice.
